|A slight pain ceases to be trivial, when it appears unending.
||[Mar. 12th, 2009|05:46 pm]
Ever have one of those days where you were almost sure that it would end with you being upset at yourself? Today was one of those days for me. I tried to convince myself I could get passed it and hoped it was just a passing feeling of self conscious pitter patter, but it kept coming back. My mind sends me through cycles of doubt and sometimes it makes it difficult for me to cooperate with those who are on my side. I think this is a normal and very human set of grouped sensations that should be dealt with gently. I need to get things off my chest sometimes, but I don't know who to talk to. It would only make a difference to one pair of ears, but I hate hurting the people I love. Human. Forgive me for failing today. I did things wrong. I am severely in love, so it sometimes feels like I am always the one who ends up feeling bad at the end of the day, due to the mental sacrifice. Even if I believe the actions I've taken culminated from an ongoing, locked up, torturous lack of options involving the same tedious and painful subject. This is all a stir in my head. I'm merely trying to pour my side of things onto this page in an understandable fashion. Is it selfish to let out a terrible pain, knowing it will hurt whoever it is unleashed upon? I've always considered it to be, so I often do my best to avoid that whole deal. That's why I sometimes will explode and regret things the way they had played out. Interestingly enough, I've tried to do this gently in the past, but it only got worse. Now that my mind is made up and I am convinced I understand all too well the source of my conflict is when it gets tedious. This is the real let down. As a double sided result of this predicament, I am left close to where I began, only now things are a little less relaxed. Sometimes this leaves me feeling abandoned or betrayed. I could see how this would look like an psychotic exaggeration to outsiders, but this issue is nothing new, nor is it something that has shown any signs of resolving itself without my interruption. All this has been is a mere vent of my restless mind. I hope none of it has been offensive and I am honestly hoping somewhere within the mess of twisted sentences is something that lights up some new page of understanding, which we have not yet reached. My girlfriend is sweet and caring. I am fulfilled beyond any fathoms of comprehension and yet it frustrates me that in this near perfect world, I have managed to find a thing here and a thing there that brings me discomfort. I have no easy way out, which is why I mumble on. Please forgive the bursts of frustration which have happened throughout the year and try to keep in mind that I've given each situation a sincere effort while trying to establish a solution on positive grounds. I feel confident that we will go on caring for each other and you will be able to go on caring about those who you hold dear. I expect the same respect out of my loved ones and only misunderstanding brings us to the point where this seems like an impossibility. I only wished there was some simple solution to the disturbing truth of the scenario on my side of the matter. Doubtlessly, this will be replayed in a reversed situation some later time down the line and I can only hope we've grown more capable of dealing with the little things when that happens. Enough run ons. I mainly posted this entry, as I felt the journal format would reach you in a more understandable way. I've been meaning to give you something to read anyways. I really think it helped me get a lot of trouble out of my head. I hope you know I want things to be better and I know they will be. Love you.|